lawyers, guns and money
my friend tells me about this divorce lawyer. she’s good. she’s expensive, but she’s good.
‘cost me two grand and i was divorced in a few months,’ he tells me.
that’s great, because new york is the only state where there is no such thing as no-fault divorce. meaning two adults can’t decide they want to part ways and commence doing so. they have to file for separation and wait a year. then they can file for divorce. so how did this friend of mine get divorced so fast? a little known loophole called ‘constructive abandonment.’ one spouse sues the other for not fulfilling the basic obligations arising from the marriage contract. read: sexual relations. so spouses agree they have not screwed for a year and then they may proceed.
enter the lawyer
she is a fast talking, coffee-wired spitfire with long straight hair and big eyes. she wears a smart business suit. she escorts me into a conference room. she tells me she is going to need a $4000 retainer plus a $400 filing fee to get started. i tell her that’s a lot of money and that’s not how much it cost my friend and she tells me that was years ago (it was) and that her fees have gone up. she also explains to me the amount of drafting, emailing, faxing, phoning and filing that will be required and that at $400/hour it will add up quickly. BUT, that because our divorce is uncontested (my ex didn’t even hire a lawyer), there are no kids, no property, no spousal support requested and no depositions to take, the bill should come in at around four grand. i ask her how she can be sure and she tells me,
‘dred, i’ve been doing this for fifteen years. look it if it goes over a little, i’ll throw that in.’
so i give her a check.
when i get home i call the real estate lawyer we used to sell our house and he tells me $400/hr ain’t cheap. but it’s not expensive, either. somewhere in the middle. so i figure, fuck it, that’s the way it is.
a few weeks go by and it’s time to assemble in the conference room again, this time with my ex to sign all the documents. which we do.
‘dred, the next step is, you’re divorced. it will be two or three months. see, wasn’t that easy?’
a few more weeks go by and i get a letter with an invoice attached. the invoice lists services in one column - draft doc, draft doc, draft doc, review email, finalize doc, finalize doc, finalize doc, assemble docs, email to cl, review email, conferce/mtg - and the corresponding hours, dates of service and amounts. there is a balance of $1,433.33. there is also a letter.
after some introductory pleasantries - ‘dear dred, enclosed please find a copy of your most recent invoice…..’ she gets down to business. the business of lawyering. or is it extortion?
‘of course, i acknowledge recept of the initial retainer payment in the amoung of $4000. kindly be advised that i have extended you a very special courtesy (her itlaics) discount in the sum of $833.33 reducing you balance to $600 only if (her underline, too) full payment is received in my office on or by monday, march 8; otherwise the entire sum of $1,433.33 (without discount) is due. in addition to the above discount, i removed many items off your bill.’ she goes on to write that she has made my case a ‘high priority’ (she likes italics) and that she will ‘make every effort to bring this matter to a close.’
i receive this letter on a thursday. i have till monday to get her the money. i call her up friday and leave a message that i have a couple of questions about the invoice. she gets back to me around 7pm friday evening but i can’t pick up. monday i call her several times and around 3pm she gets back to me. i ask her if i can just send her the $600 today in the mail without having to make a special trip to her office in midtown and she says that’s fine. i’m ready to let the whole thing go just to be done (my ex does not want a lawyer pissed at us and neither do i) when she asks me what other questions i had about the bill. ’you know, ms. delgado, when i first came to your office and gave you the retainer, you gave me the distinct impression that i would not be owing you any more money. you said you had been doing this fifteen years and you knew what you were doing and that our divorce was uncomplicated and not acrimonious and that even if you went over an hour or two that you would throw that in. furthermore, the wording of your letter suggests that you think if you present me with a large bill then cut it more than in half that i will be only too happy to pay it. which i am, by the way.’ i’m also curious about why our little, nothing divorce case was a ‘high priority’ but i decide to let that go. that is obviously some lawyer bullshit.
she talks. and she talks. and she talks.i can’t get a word in and i wish i could have recorded her i because it was really an insight into how the lawyer thinks. maybe not so insightful, but you can’t believe it when you hear it. she says things like,’dred, i like you. that’s why i gave you the discount.’and later,’dred, once a month i give someone a discount and this month you are it.’and still later,’you know, i just feel like rewarding you two because you are being civil to each other and handling this so well.’all the while describing all the work she has done in minute detail.she says at one point,’dred, i don’t want any ill feelings, here.’ and i want to make sure she doesn’t get pissed, too and do i don’t know what. so i finally get in that all i wanted to say was that the impression you gave me was that it would not take more than ten hours based on your lengthy experience. she replies,’yes dred, but things come up. it usually takes one hour to file at the courthouse and it took me two because they were backed up. and i didn’t charge for that extra hour and i could have. in fact, i can charge you for everything, which i didn’t. and i could charge you for this phone call, which i won’t.”so you’re saying that the bill could be a whole lot more than what you professionally estimated to me when i gave you the retainer.”exactly. i am extending you a very special courtesy by doing this.’during the course of our conversation she says, ‘very special courtesy’ at least a half a dozen times.she starts to sound like a broken record so i interrupt her and ask her if this is the last money we are going to have to pay her. she then tells me about how the papers had to picked up and assembled and mailed to us and that she could extend us a very special courtesy and not charge us but she couldn’t tell me for sure.her exact words were,’it depends on how i feel that day.’ i hope to christ she’s not pms-ing that day.then she says to me,’we can go around and around about this all day till we’re blue in the face.’i wasn’t aware we were going around and around. she was doing all the talking.’not me,’ i reply. ‘i’m not going any rounds with you. you’re a lawyer.”well, i just don’t want there to be any bad feelings, ok?”no bad feelings here. i just put the stamp on the envelope.”that’s fine. you can put it in the mail today or tomorrow. that will be fine. and you’ll hear from me in a month or two when the judgement is final.’i’ll start saving my money.
